No Juan Is An Island

So many things going on in my life at a very fast pace the past months. The past weeks alone has been extremely overwhelming. Let’s get real: there are times in our life that we’re going to feel drowned with the events or circumstances thrown at us. Whether it be with family, work, health school, social obligations or just life in general, we could all feel deluged, anxious, or stressed at some point.

It is no secret to most people I know what I have been going through. It has been really tough and I have been trying to give myself grace when things go berserk. I have been trying to understand these events unfolding and not brush them off or push through whatever is causing me feel overwhelmed – most times I feel liked being squeezed, and could hardly pull myself to take a step back.

As always, I woke up at around 3a.m. Despite being tired from yesterday’s check up in Manila and having arrived home late last nigh, I would always always wake up between 2 ro 3a.m. it’s during these quiet hours that everything seem so palpable including those thoughts that make me feel overwhelmed.

Yesterday, I had another subtenon steroid injection. It’s for my worsening eye condition. I already lost coubt how many eye injections I have received since July of last year. These eye meds are supposed to prevent inflammation and stop whatever eye discomfort. Every month I have to travel to Manila for my eye check up and that alone is stressful, yesterday was extra stressful because of the weather condition.

This unfortunate vision problems I have been experiencing have tremendously affected my mental wellness as well. It’s not really easy to deal with very drastic changes and it sucks most of the time. Adding up to my personal chaos is my mom’s condition who had a stroke. I have to help out my sister with her needs especially with her meds and other health related concerns since I’m the one whose in the medical field.

I also have to take care of our cafe despite my limitations, and could I just say how challenging it is to manage one. Add to this our problem with my brother who has been a pain in the ass thr past years for being such an irresponsible father to his 4 kids with which we have to rake care of as well.

Because of these things, my sister who lives and works in the Greater Manila Area, came up with a very difficult decision to relocate soon that means giving up our business and our home. I won’t go into further details but this move is definitely another bug change and adjustment for me. I don’t know where all these overwhelming changes lead me to, I just wish I’d be able to go through it even if I always say I am already tired.

There are days when I just end up procrastinating on what needs to be done because it all seems too overwhelming, and I feel helpless. Other days, I’d buckle up and get through my day, battling on and eventually feeling burned out. I have been on the lookout for a solution to my dilemmas but come up blank. Eventually my mind would feel numb and I’d fall back into bed and pull the covers over myself, stare at the ceiling until I feel more numb and drift to sleep.