God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

The three consecutive days of mental and emotional meltdown prompted me to write this. I initially didn’t want to but I feel like I have to. This is probably the most personal post I have made as it shows my most vulnerable side. You see me as someone who is always “so alive”… Someone who seems to have a life well put together. But I really don’t know where I am right now in my life. There are days when i feel like i’m in a crossroad, other days feels like i’m in a detour. The past days felt like it’s a finish line, a dead end for me.

Sometimes I feel like i’m giving off a wrong signal to people and to my friends. And most of them thought, or thinks thatI have been doing well already the past months since i have been posting again in my social media. But what most people do not know is that i am doing this because i need an escape, i need a way to keep my sanity. The sad reality though, is i’m not getting better, in fact i have gotten worse.

Everyday, I wake up feeling afraid; every night before I go to sleep, I feel anxious and worried. Who wouldn’t? Eye vision is gradually failing me. After all those expensive medications, it all boils down to this… I am going blind in weeks or months tine, and I do not know how to accept or embrace this seemingly inevitable state. Can we even do that? How do we accept the things that are beyond our control? I don’t know.

I have never been this sad. And disappointed. The past months my mind’s been running in circles thinking, analyzing, trying to identify something big enough or good enough, terrified that maybe I’d spend the rest of my days feeling purposeless, useless, hopeless on the fringe; living the same mundane life because of my worsening disability: feeling like I was on the outside looking in.

I have been very compliant to all my meds, check ups amd what not, even when finances and resources have been stretched and difficult. I have forced myself to be optimistic, trusting, hopeful. I’ve been praying for miracles… Waiting for something good or at least better to happen no matter how miniscule it could be. But…

Waiting has become a very frustrating experience… especially waiting on God’s answers. The waiting is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and made me face things about myself that I have been avoiding.

Maybe God knows how much I suck at waiting that He had to put me in this agonizing waiting room.vI ain’t sure if I’m getting better at it, but waiting has been stretching me beyond what I think are my limits… Hoping that in time , I’d be able to discover there was a whole lot more to me than I ever knew.

For now, I’m really tired with these daily battles. Tired randomly crying, tired convincing myself that everything is going to be alright, just tired. My apologies to friends sending private messages and the like, and I am not able to answer back simply because I don’t know how to answer a “kamusta ka?” question without breaking down even before sending a response. But a huge THANK YOU goes out to all those who always remember me.