Quatervois

When you’re lost, when you’re in a “quatervois” — where do you begin?

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Most people I know (personal or random acquaintances) perceive me as someone jolly and happy and blessed and living a “really good life”. Yes… I am blessed, beyond blessed with all these travels I never thought would happen this soon. However, that “I feel lost” thought is becoming more intense for the past weeks. It feels like I am drifting away from people, from my usual activities, from myself. It is as if I am in a “quatervois” — a crossroad, where I have to come up with critical decisions as to what to do in life. Add to that the stress and anxiety from work and my boss. It has given me innumerable sleepless nights, a lot of abrupt sleep, and the inability to concentrate with my work.

The sense of excitement towards many things has dwindled and the falling out of touch with thy self is making me frustrated and melancholic. I even deactivated my major social media apps (Facebook to Instagram) and have been very lazy and uninspired to write something in my WordPress account. But I find myself frequently ranting and throwing random thoughts on my Twitter account.

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I have been trying to evaluate myself as to why I have been feeling empty and sad from time to time. I am not actually surprise to realize that I have been like this for almost 8 years now. (Could it be that, that event be the “turning point” in my life?) I knew I wasn’t okay some 7 years and 10 months ago, but who would have thought that one heart—breaking, soul-shattering experience would linger that long and that it would lead to more disappointing events. There are things I have envisioned for myself that did not turn out the way I have wanted it to be. And there are those that I could hardly talk about. They have become more difficult to share and talk out with people, even with people I feel who are trustworthy. As I grew older, I feel that shutting my mouth, and keeping things to myself is better than explaining things to people. Even if that means carrying all those mental and emotional baggage to my very soul.

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For now, I just really want to let my universe know that I feel lost, that I am not okay. Maybe this is a good first step in finding my way.

 

Random Thoughts about Life & Love

So here is to veering away from my usual posts. Admittedly, I do not feel inspired to make an entry here in my WordPress account the past weeks. So many travel backlogs that need to be shared but it seems that my laziness is hitting me to the core. Every night though, I find myself clouded with so many racing thoughts. So I am giving in to these random things that has kept me quite jittery for some time now. And yeah, this entry is in Taglish. So bare with me.

Kit McCallumonce once shared,

“How often we must bear the challenges of living and loving?
The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;
The constant ups and downs of daily strife.
And always the question remains …. why?”

Perplexity
How often do we ask the question “Where do I go from here?” If life is a series of challenges and lessons, then only by reflecting on our past triumphs and mistakes, can we wisely choose the next path that we will ultimately embrace.

I have always wanted to write something to address such question but then I always find myself feeling dumpy doing it. There are things kasi na parang mahirap isulat. Sigurado ako, marami sa atin ang dumating na sa puntong nahihirapan ng magdesisyon sa ilang mga bagay… leaving us wondering on how to deal with delicate things. Iyun bang tipong nag-aalala tayo about choosing the slighter of 2 tribulations (or iyong mas maganda sa dalawang positibong bagay). Most often than not eh, it’s a choice between doing the decently right thing (or giving in to a new judgment) at kung anu-ano pang mga bagay (ie let go of something you think is hurting us, or get hurt and hold on because you love that person). These, perhaps, are very rigid actions lalo na sa isang kultura kung saan lahat ata ng bagay eh personal.

I was in a state of hurly-burly for the past few days. Baffled. Depressed. Anxious. Devastated. Napaka-indescribable yung feeling, un lang – it was in a badlight. I was in a dilemma.

Should I stay? Or was it time to leave?
Kailangan ko pa bang maghintay pa o tama na kasi nakakapagod na rin?
It’s a battle between holding on and letting go.

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Boomerang
As with most things in life, just when we think we had something going smoothly, life throws us a boomerang; causing our relationship with someone hard hit; something none of us was at fault with, but nonetheless, leaves a stubborn scar. I had a misunderstanding with a good friend the past days. My friend was more resilient, offering to piece things back. But my survival instinct got the better off me. And so I walked away. Ma-pride ako, kaya hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin kinakausap. I still am doing the silent treatment. Sigh.

Next topic: Na-miss kong magsulat ng tungkol sa love.

I could not even remember when was the last time I wrote something about love. Yung classic na entry tungkol sa pag-ibig ha. Sa totoo lang, magmula ng ma-broken-hearted ako 7 years, 6 months, 1 day, 23 hours and 55 minutes (as of this time I’m typing this) ago, eh hirap na ako gumawa ng mga tungkol sa love. Hirap man, I still try my best to extract some creative juices. So, if there are things I have learned from my past relationship, eto ang mga ilan sa mga yun.

Battleground
Love is a battleground. Nabanggit eto ng isa sa mga characters sa series na Chuck. I texted this line to my friends. Surprisingly, one friend of mine naively texted back and said – “So if you know that you have all the weapons, don’t get yourself defeated…” (na may kasama tawa sa text).

Her candid remark made me think. OO nga naman. Why would I just walk away and concede, eh marami pa namang paraan jan na hindi ko pa ginagawa; marami paakong weapons na hindi ko nagagamit. It has dawned in me na, may mga bagay nga siguro na hindi nagtatagal… But it is always our choice if we won’t make them last. Na hindi naman talaga sila mawawala if we didn’t choose to let them go. Na hindi naman sila aalis if only we kept our hands gripped together. (Kaso umalis at iniwan pa rin ako…)

In a Nutshell
Relationships come and go like people on a rotating door. Gaya ng mga gamot, its shelf life is finite, although it doesn’t necessarily have to mean short. When it’s time comes, it usually means it’s also time to move on. Moving on does not necessarily mean you have given up. Sabi nga sa kantang One Hello, “endings are beginnings”. Yeah right, there are more magnificent lives to be encountered, more people to meet who are just around the bend.

A magical relationship does not happen everyday. Every once in a while, it needs to loosen too. But at the end of the day, it will always be our option to let that magic stay. Haaaaaaaay, kelan nga kaya ulit darating yang magic na yan?

Love is not an easy road for most;
It twists and turns with many forks in the road,
Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice …

Do we turn to the right … or the left?
Do we take the high road … or the low road?
Do we take the easy path … or the difficult one?

It’s your choice. It’s our choice. As the Karate Kid’s master says – “Life will knock us down, but it is our choice to get up back.” The warning though, is to catch yourself when it gets too easy.

Lester out. Take it easy everyone.
Lester out.

Of Rain & Of Tears

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.” — William Shakespeare

So today, I decided to post something different from my usual musings (triggered perhaps by the moody weather the past days). It was yet another rainy afternoon. It’s raining as far as I can see. It’s coming down unbreakable now.

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It is amusing how the rain is reminiscent of the times I wanted to cry. In some way, as we mature into adulthood, we stop thinking about the hush-hush of crying. We were taught that crying is for babies and that it is imperative to keep our sentiments inside. I was told that boys don’t cry. So, instead of learning to let go of my hurts through crying, I have mastered to numb it through self-anguish and unvoiced misery for several years now.

This is what I have done astray as a grown-up. I am too troubled to cry, and even when I am at the edge of breaking down, and actually shed some tears, I am over-shadowed with unease. I can’t seem to cry. But the downpours takes me back that one of the most prevailing coping skills has been stolen from me.

 

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It is okay to cry…

I have been a lot of painful experiences and many times too, did I attempt to cry it out… But the thought of it as a sign of weakness surmounts the thought that I am hurting.

I have to admit it. It doesn’t feel good… It does not feel good at all…

I gaze out of our window, the rain stopped. The clouds seem to have brought an end to its resentment… But suddenly smoke gets in my eyes, and I started to cry. I lost bottling up my emotions. And it started to feel a little better.

Lester out…