When you’re lost, when you’re in a “quatervois” — where do you begin?
Most people I know (personal or random acquaintances) perceive me as someone jolly and happy and blessed and living a “really good life”. Yes… I am blessed, beyond blessed with all these travels I never thought would happen this soon. However, that “I feel lost” thought is becoming more intense for the past weeks. It feels like I am drifting away from people, from my usual activities, from myself. It is as if I am in a “quatervois” — a crossroad, where I have to come up with critical decisions as to what to do in life. Add to that the stress and anxiety from work and my boss. It has given me innumerable sleepless nights, a lot of abrupt sleep, and the inability to concentrate with my work.
The sense of excitement towards many things has dwindled and the falling out of touch with thy self is making me frustrated and melancholic. I even deactivated my major social media apps (Facebook to Instagram) and have been very lazy and uninspired to write something in my WordPress account. But I find myself frequently ranting and throwing random thoughts on my Twitter account.
I have been trying to evaluate myself as to why I have been feeling empty and sad from time to time. I am not actually surprise to realize that I have been like this for almost 8 years now. (Could it be that, that event be the “turning point” in my life?) I knew I wasn’t okay some 7 years and 10 months ago, but who would have thought that one heart—breaking, soul-shattering experience would linger that long and that it would lead to more disappointing events. There are things I have envisioned for myself that did not turn out the way I have wanted it to be. And there are those that I could hardly talk about. They have become more difficult to share and talk out with people, even with people I feel who are trustworthy. As I grew older, I feel that shutting my mouth, and keeping things to myself is better than explaining things to people. Even if that means carrying all those mental and emotional baggage to my very soul.
For now, I just really want to let my universe know that I feel lost, that I am not okay. Maybe this is a good first step in finding my way.